A to Z Challenge

Saturday, July 19, 2014

WeWriWa - Let me tell you a story...


Welcome to another exciting Weekend Writing Warrior day.  If you've happened here by chance, then oh boy, is this your lucky day.  All over the web, there are eight sentence snippets posted by a variety of writers, in a variety of genres.  There's bound to be something that stirs your breath, steals your breath away, or makes you hold your breath in fright.  Any way you look at it, it's a great pulmonary literary adventure : )  If you need more info, click on the above link to find out how this whole shebang works!
 
This week, I'm posting the next eight lines from my WIP - tentatively titled Zelera's Revenge.  Kes (a precocious young prince) has been kidnapped by his evil aunt -- Zelera.  If you'd like to read previous snippets, they can be found #1 here, #2 here, #3 here, and #4 last week.   A quick recap of last week, Zelera yanked Kes out from under the bed and dropped him down on his blankets...
 
 
 
     Zelera leaned down, her face inches from his own.  Her hot breath huffed against his cheek.  “Now,” she grunted, “Let me tell you a story.”  She smoothed back her hair as she straightened up.  Then her tall skeletal frame scrunched back down onto the stool.  She cleared her throat, “Once upon a time, there was a little prince.”

“Oh, is this story about me?  It is, isn’t it?"
 
So, this is all my first unedited draft.  Anything you bright eyes spot that needs a tweak?  Love your comments as always : )

53 comments:

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    1. Awe! I LOVE this week's snippet! It shows how sweet the little prince is, a glimpse of youthful innocence. Are you going to redeem Zalera now? Even a little bit? :-) :-)

      What do you do, Ms Millie? I hope it's something in promotion, or in advertising. You're such a natural. :-)

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    2. Zelera is currently not ready to be redeemed...but maybe, just maybe before the story is finished?

      I work in sales...kind of : ) I'm a Physical Therapist Assistant and I work in a rehab facility. Most of my clients are older, tired, and not feeling well. I'm the last face they want to see walk through their door, chipper and perky, asking them to get out of bed and take a walk with me or do some exercises. But, due to my magnanimous charm and persuasive ways...they generally don't refuse me and actually end up enjoying therapy. Yup, I'm in sales : )

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  2. Interesting choice of words with huffed and grunted. I take this to mean that her hot breath is rough and not welcomed; however, the line later that asks about the story contradicts this.You've done a great job showing the evilness of Zelera, but the prince's reaction is quite positive in contrast to her evil. I'd also put a beat between the two questions at the end to give us some info about the second speaker. Best of luck pulling your wip to print.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/07/weekend-writing-warriors-blog-hop-72014.html

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    1. Well, her breath is huffing against his cheek as she just yanked him out from underneath the bed and tossed him down. He's just four, but very bright. He's trying to survive...as future snippets will show.

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  3. Your command of detail and sense of timing are always a joy to read. Great stuff, Millie!

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  4. Love the descriptions, especially the hot breath huffing against his cheek. What a great word! I think the last bit conveys the the little prince's innocence. Does he know his aunt is evil?

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    1. At this point in the story, he knows she is not as nice as she is trying (but not succeeding) at conveying.

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  5. I'm betting Kes doesn't really know what she's like and is in for a nasty surprise at some point. I've been wondering about that for weeks! :) Your excerpts are always so easy to picture, Millie.

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    1. Kes, has already made an escape attempt...he knows she's not a sweet auntie...hence meanie auntie : )

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    2. Ah, no post this week Marcia? Sigh.

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  6. Nice descriptions, particularly the hot breath huffing against his cheek bit. I also loved the last line. Makes me think there's a bit of egoism or smug in his character - nice touch!

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    1. He's not really smug...just a very engaged little prince : ) Of course it's about him, right?

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  7. Uh oh, I have a feeling this may be a "grimm" fairytale LOL. Excellent excerpt!

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  8. "Let me tell you a story...are you sitting uncomfortably?" Great characterizations here!

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  9. I can't help it- I love Zelera. I think it's great that Kes recovers in a heartbeat. She's definitely got her hands full.

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    1. I have to admit...she evolved quite a bit in this book. She was pure evil in the first book, Return of the Crown. But, maybe, just maybe...we'll see.

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  10. Wonderful descriptions and you conveyed the innocence of the prince with just a few words. Well done.

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    1. Thanks Karen, Kes is super adorable to me. He's just a little spitfire.

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  11. First I need to say how much I loved this: There's bound to be something that stirs your breath, steals your breath away, or makes you hold your breath in fright. Any way you look at it, it's a great pulmonary literary adventure -- What an awesome description! :D Your posts always bring a smile to my face, Millie. I just read your response to Teresa's comment. If you walked into my door all chipper and perky, asking me to go for a walk, I'd say, "Wooohooo! Let's go!"

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    1. Why thank you Evelyn, I generally don't get many refusals from my folks, and many times, I'm requested for treatments. I'd happily take you for a walk or put you through your paces : ). And thank you for the kind words, you just put a smile on my face.

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  12. He is every four year old I've ever known. And Ihave a feeling that, one way or another, he will break her. :D

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    1. He he he...she's not been around children much : )

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  13. Oh God, this gave me a very bad feeling! Poor prince and I agree with the others, his innocence shines through, but yeah, from your word choices (like 'scrunched') and just her actions and what she says, I don't get a good vibe at all from her. Good job!

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    1. Kes is pretty resourceful for such a little guy...don't get too worried about him : )

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  14. I agree with the other comments. The prince sounds delightful, but I'm not so sure about her.

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    1. I'm glad you don't like her...she's not a nice lady : )

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  15. Remind me of a story (the ransom of Red Cloud) where the kidnappers wind up paying the p;arent to take the kid back.

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    1. : D He's a handful our little prince.

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  16. Great use of description. Somehow I don't think this bedtime story is going to be a nice one.

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  17. Oh Millie, we're in for a rough ride now between "Once upon a time and The End." I don't foresee a happy ending here. May I book you for an hour this week, PT please.

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    1. Ha, if you want a wicked work out Charmaine : ) I don't do a lot of massage and touchy feely stuff : )

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  18. What can I say that hasn't been said before? The kid is going to make her show her true colors before time. Great snippet, Millie!

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    1. He he, it's coming...which week she rears her ugly head, next week, the one thereafter? Time will tell : )

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  19. These snippets are always so enjoyable to read :D I like the details about her hot breath because it makes the narrative feel more alive. Hmmm, guess she's going to make up a story about him to scare him :/ Is he an orphan? Is his aunt his sole caretaker?

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    1. She has actually kidnapped he poor little fella. There's an all-out search going on for him.

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  20. I commented but it didn't seem to post so I'm trying again... Love this! You are really great with characters, I love the vivid imagery and contrast between the two. I love them more and more each week, this bit made me smile. I look forward to your posts!

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    1. Well thanks Victoria, I love knowing my characters are making connections.

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  21. This is a story about him, but I bet he isn't going to like it. I don't see a happily ever after in her plans.

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  22. I think if they lock horns, Zelera will not be the victor. Some 4 year-olds can hold their own with evil adults. I think Kes is one of them. :) Great 8!

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    1. This is war...and there will be many battles : )

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  23. Not so evil if she's going to tell the precocious prince a story. Hopefully the little prince in it doesn't come to a sticky end. Eeek! Nice snippet.

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    1. She's been trying hard to put on a good face, but it's not something that comes naturally to her...so, we'll see how this pans out : )

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  24. tss tss tss why is he interrupting the story?

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  25. Love this and totally agree with the Grimm feel. More!

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