Teaching Respect - Part One

Okay, so what do I have to bring to the table as someone who would write about parenting? Nothing but my own humble opinion. I am fortunate to be a stay at home/work from home mom. Because of that, I have spent many hours involved in my daughter's schools and outside activities. I helped a friend run a very large girl scout troop for many years. Just like most everyone else in this world, I have two eyes and two ears and I observe.

As I was plopping myself into bed last night, I started thinking about mommyisms, which can be daddyisms too, I am not thinking these are things only for mom to take care of, nosiree! It's just that these are my opinions - so my mommyisms. There are things that I notice watching and interacting with the kids at my daughter's school. These things I've been noticing for years, but it seems to me they are worsening. Somehow, parents are seriously falling down on the job, in my humble opinion and missing out on teaching their children about respect.

Respect, to me, is a huge topic with many facets, today I only want to tackle how children talk to their parents. This is where learning respect starts. If you have no respect for your parents, why should you respect any other person?

I once witnessed the most adorable little girl at the park turn into a little banshee of a beast. She sat in the swing, legs pumping, her mother pushing her from behind. Mom stood chatting with her friend, while pushing her daughter. The little girl decided she'd had enough and said, "I'm done. Stop pushing me." Her mom, engaged in conversation didn't hear and gave another little shove. That little towheaded cherub turned her head around, scrunching her face into the ugliest gargoyle grimace and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Stop pushing me! I told you to stop!"

My jaw dropped. This little tyke looked to be around 4 years old. I couldn't imagine any of my children EVER screaming at me, unless they were hurt or scared. The mom, still in conversation with her friend, stopped the swing, and let the child run off to play. No words of admonishment, no look of horror, nothing. It dawned on me that this is an everyday occurrence for this family.

Watching that unfold before me, I felt saddened. This little girl never said please, never said thank you, and screamed at her mother! How will she behave with her teachers? How will she talk to other children's parents when she is allowed to visit at their homes?

This is just one example. I see it all the time, children bossing their parents around and parents blithely obeying their child's demands, or looking embarrassed by their child's behavior but not doing anything about it. You are not their friend, you are their parent! Take charge and teach them a valuable life lesson.

I dunno, maybe it's just me, and I've already become an old fuddy duddy. Back in my day, (Yikes, I am getting old) I would never have raised my voice to my parents, and not because I feared a belt to my backside either. It was just something taught, something expected. Respect is a retro concept that I would love to see come back in fashion.

I have two daughter's that are now college age. You know that old "Ugh, teenagers," thing that lots of people say, with a roll of their eyes? I never felt that way about them. Not to say we always see eye to eye, or have our disagreements, but they are never sassy with me. Or, if they forget themselves and start with words or tone of voice I find objectionable, all I have to ask is, "Who are you talking to like that? I'm pretty sure you didn't just speak to your mom like that." Every time, they get a sheepish look and apologize. They have a boundary, and realize when they cross it. Now, this goes both ways. As a parent, I do not use a snotty tone of voice with them, nor do I yell at them. I expect them to treat me similarly to how I treat them, with love and respect.

What Kind of Mom Says this...

The other day, my daughter's teacher noticed I wasn't wearing the sticker from the office and I was on campus after the bell rang. Oops. I kind of laughed and shrugged my shoulders. She proceeded to say, "Your daughter told me on the second day of school that 'rules are meant to be broken.'" I noticed her raised eyebrow...

Hmmm. She got me there. I did actually say that to my dear sweet nine year old. What kind of mom does that? Sometimes, believe it or not, a really good mom. Lucky for me, her teacher and I go way back, and she really just wanted to know what prompted me to tell my daughter such a thing. She was laughing at me. So, I told her.

My daughter is a see's things in black and white kind of girl. In fact, out of my three girls, two of them are very straight laced by the books kinds of kids. And while on the whole this is a wonderful thing, there are times, when rules are meant to be broken. Or at the very least bent a little.

Okay, here's what started this whole thing. This sounds silly, but last year, my daughter had an autobiographical book report due. She read about Walt Disney, and wrote her report in the first person. She was supposed to dress up as the character she researched for extra credit while delivering the report. She has this very cool red velvet robe I'd made for big sister a long time ago (Harry Potter Quidditch Robes for a Midnight Sale). I thought it'd be great, if she wore the red robes and her Sorcerer Mickey Mouse Ears Headband to deliver her report. How fun is that? Walts best buddy delivering the speech about him...so clever. But, my rule following kid wouldn't hear a word of it. "Teacher said we have to dress like the person our book's about." I tried reasoning, explaining this was Walt Disney out of the box thinking, that it'd be cool and her teacher would love it! When that didn't work, I told her that rules were sometimes meant to be broken. She showed up at school in a blazer, slacks, shirt tie and shoes we'd picked up at Goodwill. So put in context, IMHO, it wasn't a horrible thing I'd told her.

This year, we were presented with the opportunity of a lifetime. The shuttle Endeavor took it's last flight over the State of California. We could take a morning off school, play a lil' hooky, and bop on down to the Capitol to see something truly amazing and once in a lifetime. Endeavor piggy backing a big old plane, flying low to the ground, the air thick with jet engines roaring overhead! I begged, I pleaded. I promised the school wouldn't get its panties in a twist. But, nope, my rule follower would not take me up on a little hooky and she went to school like a good girl.

Later, she confessed that a boy in class had done just what I wanted her to do. Went downtown with his parents to witness a little slice of history. She sounded kind of bummed that she hadn't taken me up on the adventure. Sigh. Maybe next time, she'll be ready to venture into gray, maybe just a little.

Now, don't get me wrong. Most rules are there for a reason, and I don't want her running around willy nilly breaking them just for the heck of it. I want her to use her brain, and know when it's okay, when the rules are actually begging to be broken. Because sometimes, rules are meant to be broken.

Time keeps on ticking...

Time is ticking away, and I'm helpless to prevent it. I look in the mirror, and I do not see a woman who has two adult children. I have three babies. Don't I? Who am I kidding, even my baby isn't a baby. Yesterday she proved that by taking on all the high speed thrilling roller coasters at Six Flags Marine World.

Two of my babies are fully grown. One is working and going to school here in town. So while she roosts in the coop, she's spending more and more time out in the world on her own. This is a good thing, a necessary thing.

The other adult child is heading off to college in less than a week. She is flying the coop. I am so proud of her, and yet, I wish I could tuck her under my wing for just a little longer...

I look at my wee chick, who is growing so fast, and I shudder. Nine years ago, my coop flier was her age and she was just a newborn babe. Look where we are now. The time is sliding past me, whisking my children along with it...taking them from me.

There is a war going on inside me. It is about getting past the feelings of loss and reveling in the pride. And of that, I have plenty, for my husband and I have raised some pretty amazing kids. Smart, talented, beautiful, kind, respectful, etc. etc.

The next couple weeks are going to be rough, some adjustments aren't meant to be easy. There will be tears shed, and I really hate crying, it's so salty and drippy and annoying. I know I still have time to mother all over my little one, she still needs me. And, I know my older two still need me too, just not in the same way.

Nicki, Sami and Sierra, I love you with all my heart.