A to Z Challenge

Saturday, April 12, 2014

WeWriWa - I have a gift for you

Welcome to my little corner of the blog world.  It's Sunday, time for Weekend Writing Warriors.  If you haven't a clue what they are about, click this Linky Do-Hickey.  I promise you won't be disappointed, unless you are one of "those" people...you know, the ones who are never ever happy.  And if you are one of those people, well, you've come to the wrong blog, 'cause this one's about happy and fun.  (Most of the time).

Last week, we left off wondering what His Nibs was having a talking to...is there really a skeery demon in the bushes or is he seeing "pink elephants"?  Let's find out, shall we?

Ravyn looked past His Nibs, over her mother’s shoulder.  A chill feeling swept over her as two glowing red eyes peered at her from the bushes.
Ravyn slipped the gold coin from her pocket.  She stepped around His Nibs and held the coin out in front of her.  "I have a gift for you as promised."
Feelings of fear and dread washed over her as a black scaly hand reached for the coin in her palm.  The Mara grabbed her wrist and yanked her toward the bushes. 
Visions flashed in Ravyn’s head, Blade’s body lying across the castle battlements his back shot full of arrows as if he were a pincushion.  

So, I wrote this during a Nano and it's not been edited.  You are seeing flash writing product here.  I'm thinking as I read this the as if he were a pincushion is not necessary.  What are your thoughts...helpful or more words than necessary?


40 comments:

  1. Actually the "pincushion " part kind of describes his back's condition. As long as that part is not going to be in your way further down in the story, it is all right right there.

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  2. Uh-oh. Visions are never good. Nicely done, Millie!

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    1. A Mara is a "nightmare". A demon that sits on your chest and paralyzes you with fear. It's just starting to unload a whoopass of nightmares into Ravyn.

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  3. Very visual! And I think the pincushions helped form the image I got. I'd leave it in, Millie. :-)

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  4. I agree re: pincushions. I'd leave out feelings of fear and dread washing over. Scary is scary w/o washing over. Get right to black scaly hand. You've got good stuff going on, Millie.

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    1. Thanks Charmaine, I'll be revisiting everyone's comments as I seriously get to edit mode!

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  5. It skeered - er, scared me! I like the excerpt as is, but possibly change "visions" to singular since you only mention one thing she saw. I love your style in these bits, Millie. It feels completely natural.

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    1. Ah thanks. I ran out of sentences...there are more visions to come...

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  6. From what I can see, I don't see any errors. It was a terrific scene and the Mara pulling her into the bushes was so sudden. It nearly made me jump out of my seat. If you read it over, I'm sure you'll spot any mistakes. Considering this was a Nano story, it's good!

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    1. Thanks Frank! It'll get revamped a bit as I edit. There's always room for improvement : )

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  7. I wasn't expecting the grab either! Yikes! Vote for leave the pincushion in. That clarified the visual as a crapload not one or two. Great scary snippet!
    History Sleuth - Murders of Polly Frisch.

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    1. Okie dokie. I'm glad it's not too over the top!

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  8. Love the black scaly hand reaching out from the bushes. I sure didn't expect the Mara to grab Ravyn's hand! This is a well-written scene that would make me keep reading to find out if the vision really happened or if it was a preview of what could happen in the future.

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    1. Excellent. I want to keep folks guessing. The Mara is flooding her with visions that will fill her with dread...that's its magical nature.

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  9. Interesting. I jumped when the scaly hand grabbed her, so well done on that! I as curious if His Nibs was seeing things or really seeing a thing LOL, enjoyed the excerpt!

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    1. It did sort of give that impression earlier that he might've been having some drunken visions of his own : )

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  10. Beautiful fast transition from humor to horror. I'm glad His Nibs is there.

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  11. Another fun snippet. Pincushion takes await from the horror of the vision, so it depends on your intention.

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    1. I don't actually want it to be too freaky, I'd like younger readers to enjoy and not have nightmares...

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  12. This is subtle but scary. Well done.

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    1. Thanks, I appreciate your opinion : )

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  13. Gift--not accepted? *suspenseful music*

    I agree! Leave the pincushion in.

    Depending on how the 'running out of sentences' affected the words, you might consider different punctuation or a transition word between "Visions flashed..." and the vision description, though.

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    1. I will take a close look at it when I get to actual edits. Thanks for leaving the comment so I can refer to it : )

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  14. I'd leave it in. I think it's very visual.

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    1. Okie dokie, leaving it in seems to be majority consensus!

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  15. Wow---this is an effective passage! I actually jumped a bit!

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  16. I enjoyed this snippet, very visual!

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  17. I'm thoroughly intrigued and was definitely startled when the unexpected happened.

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  18. *Shiver* I wasn't expecting that! And I'd keep the pincushion, it helped me visualize the scene. Looking forward to more! I hope nothing terribly bad happens :S

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    1. We shall see...writer's are notorious for doing that kind of thing...making bad things happen : )

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  19. That's a scary vision! Very descriptive. What's gonna happen next? Need another snippet! :)

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