Last week, we were finishing off a little section of my current WIP that chronicled the interactions of cutie pie Prince Kes and his meanie auntie Zelera. This week, I've moved to a section of story that shows a bit of what Ravyn (the heroine of this tale) and her mother Lareina have been involved with. The ladies boat had been destroyed by a Kraken, and they had been saved by two seals...and now they're on a small island. They've encountered two gentlemen who live on the island...
As they entered the cabin, Ravyn noticed Lareina and Murphy standing close together at the counter, their heads bumped up close to each other. Ravyn heard her mother giggle. Ravyn cleared her throat.
“Oh, you’re back...how was your walk?”
Murphy noticed the furs hanging from Ronan’s arm. He glowered at his son. “Are ye nae daft? What are ya thinkin’?”
So this is from my Nano draft, if you encounter something that sounds odd to you, or confuses you, I'd love to know what it is. As always, all comments are appreciated! Have a wonderful Sunday my fellow warriors!
Hard to tell who's speaking from just this snippet. Maybe it's clearer in context? Also, how many people are there? I see five names.
ReplyDeleteJust four...Murphy and Lareina and Ravyn and Ronan. I'll look at this closely as I edit, thanks SueAnn.
DeleteI had no trouble keeping the four characters straight.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that while Lareina and Murphy are flirting (ahem!) in the kitchen, his son Ronan was introducing Ravyn to the wonders of selkiedom? :D
: ) Such a clever girl!
DeleteI had a bit of trouble telling who was speaking, but maybe that's just me. I loved Murphy's accusing dialogue at the end. Nice snippet!
ReplyDeleteThanks Frank for being frank : ) I'll make sure it's clear as I edit. If it's hard for a couple folks, it'll be hard for others.
ReplyDeleteWell Google ate my first comment :( My only confusion was that I'm not sure if Murphy is the father or the son. I love the details you always add, makes your stories rich and visual. Sure hope you post from this one for a while longer!
ReplyDeleteMurphy is the father. It would be clear if you'd read the whole story, they've had interactions before this moment I didn't share, so this would be clear : ) Will stick with this portion of the story for a bit : ) Have a great day Marcia!!
Deletesorry, I haven't read from the beginning of your story, so: what's a Kraken?
ReplyDeleteThey were crossing the sea in a small boat and a Kraken, large mythical octopus type beast, smashed their boat to bits and was going to eat them...yikes!
Deletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kraken
DeleteI had crossed trails with a kraken in Michael Crichton's book, "Pirate Latitudes."
Uh-oh someone's in trouble. If it helps I assumed it was Lareina asking about their walk. And a totally random thought that I just realized now, Lareina 's name means the queen in Spanish (La Reina- they are two separate words). LOL
ReplyDeleteHe he he. Many times I choose names for their meaning, as well as how they sound : )
DeleteAh Millie, I'm entranced and amused. Here comes trouble with Murphy.
ReplyDeleteMurphy is a salty dog : )
DeleteHmm, all sorts of interesting things going on here. I was intrigued by the furs and Sarah W.'s comment really got my imagination going! My nitpick would be the repetition of Ravyn, "Ravyn heard her mother giggle. Ravyn cleared her throat." Fun snippet as always.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that too, but figured I'd fix when I got to edits. Glad it got your imagination perked : )
DeleteNice action in the scene with an interesting response from mother.
ReplyDeleteI've always been told to watch out for head hopping and stay in one character's point of view. Therefore, in the same paragraph I would not talk about what two different people noticed. Also, you need to vary your word choices. After you've used the word "close", you need a different word the second go around.
I'm assuming the hunting is illegal. Interesting dialect from the father.
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/
Ah thanks for the head hop notice Joyce, I can easily tame that. I sure do live all these extra sets of eyes and the helpful comments. This was my nano draft, so I'm sure there are plenty of corrections to make!
DeleteAnother interesting snippet! I was also going off on the "he's been hunting" tangent but from the other comments, it seems he's a selkie? Which is a whole different story LOL. It's hard with only eight sentences...but I'm intrigued. Although I miss Prince Kes, who is indeed a cutie!
ReplyDeleteHopefully you find a few more characters to delight you in the coming weeks. We'll see about these two men soon : )
DeleteI had no trouble following who was talking here. I do wonder what's with the furs and what's he done wrong, but from some of the other comments it sounds like earlier parts of the story would put this into context.
ReplyDeleteJust an aside, when I read "kraken" and "rescued by two seals", my mind went straight to "Sea turtles, mate!" Sorry - couldn't help it :)
Ah ha ha, no need to be sorry : ). Glad to hear it wasn't confusing to some.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your snippet but read it as if Ronan had slayed the seals that had rescued them? Can't be! It would make more sense in context, we all struggle to convey meaning in 8 sentences!
ReplyDeleteIt'll be clear next week. Don't worry no seals were slain...
DeleteSelkies!!! I love your imagination:)
ReplyDelete: ). Those sexy selkies. Lots to explore in their world.
DeleteFun snippet. Ravyn walking in on her mom flirting....awkward. hahaha
ReplyDeletehaving a tag after the first speech might be helpful because it wasn't clear to me either who said that. I assumed it was one of the parents and I guessing it was the mother since Murphy spoke in the next sentence.
Other than that I enjoyed this 8 and can't wait for the next set.
Aw thanks Meka, her mom is happily married to her dad too...so very awkward indeed!
DeleteI followed the speaker just fine. I'm definitely intrigued though--about the furs, and why his dad would think he's daft... The plot thickens :-) Good 8. Millie! :-)
ReplyDeleteYee hee! Glad I've got you wondering : )
DeleteOh-oh, has she found the Selkie furs? Love the description and the way the story flows. Great 8!
ReplyDeleteWe'll find out soon : ) Eight sentences at a time : )
DeleteI have trouble with unusual names. Not suggesting that you go with Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, but Ravyn, Lareina, et al break my reading rhythm. I read slow and pronounce words silently to myself. I was a bit confused, too.
ReplyDeleteWho is Ravyn's mother?
Lareina is Ravyn's mother. This is fantasy, and I try to keep my names from being too strange. They usually mean something...stand for something. As someone noted earlier, Lareina means queen, and I thought it sounded neat...la-ray-nuh. And Ravyn is just like Raven...
DeleteI missed your intro about encountering 2 gentlemen and thought (erroneously) that Murphy and Lareina were a couple. I assume that the 2 men, living on the island, have a peaceful co-existence with the animals and the boy hunting/skinning the animals puts that relationship at risk?
ReplyDeleteThe two men that they met are Murphy and Ronan...no other men on the island. Hard to get things started an introduced when you move over large chunks of information : ) You've all actually met them, a looong time ago, when I first started introducing characters. Way back with Ena, our lovely motherly dragon : )
DeleteI didn't have a problem figuring out who was speaking. It sounds from the context like Lareina and Murphy are on the way to becoming more than friends. I also wonder what the significance of the furs is.
ReplyDeleteThanks Carrie-Anne, everyone's input is always helpful in sorting out edits : ) Check back next week, things may become more clear.
DeleteLove getting to know all about your different, fantastical characters, Millie! You have quite an imagination! :)
ReplyDeleteThank Evelyn, they sure are a lot of fun to hang out with : )
DeleteOh, that's a really cool way to tell a story, through more than one POV. Atwood did something similar in her novel, Oryx and Crake. I thought it was a very effective way to tell the story ;) Looking forward to seeing how Ravyn fits into this story. If she's the heroine I'm guessing she is going to rescue the Prince? Perhaps there is another overarching conflict to this story. Or maybe some romance with Ronan? Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part XD I don't typically read romance, but I like the notions of falling in love, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe names seemed okay to me. I read somewhere that you should use names to fit into your world. Most fantasy stories have unusual names. The important thing is consistency, which you have.
This was a great snippet. The only thing that tripped me up a bit was this, "Are ye nae daft?" I think he's trying to say, "Are you now deaf? Although it could also be interpreted as, "Are you now daft?" Daft means kind of stupid, so I wasn't sure. Although with a thick accent like that, I'm guessing he doesn't know the word daft XD
Looking forward to learning more about Ravyn :D
I started the first book out this way, and now it's taken a life of its own. Game of Thrones books are similar as well. Ravyn has a love interest, though Ronan may not know that...yet.
DeleteLiking the backstory (but I am partial to tales of adventure on the high seas), and curious about the whole selkie thing. If this is from an old nano, are you working on it still? :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I have an elusive ending to come up with...just not enough time to actually sit down and finish, it seems. It'll happen.
DeleteAs a reader, I'm already excited for why it's a big deal that those two are standing close to each other. Why has it caught Ravyn's attention? I would definitely be motivated to continue reading to solve the mystery. I enjoyed your dialogue. Consider taking out those filter verbs like "noticed" and "heard" so it keeps the flow of the story.
ReplyDeleteKeep smiling,
Yawatta
Glad you enjoyed! And thanks for the advice. I've already found a nice way to fix that : )
Delete