Last week, Murphy was chastising his son for having seal pelts with him. I've skipped just a few sentences to pick up with Rowan handing his dad the skins and telling him to show Lareina something. Murphy has asked Lareina not to get scared.
Murphy
took the pelt from his son and tossed it across his back. The gray fur covered his skin and his body
elongated and puffed out with fat. His
hands and arms shrank back toward his body to then elongate and thin into glossy flippers. His feet came together into hind flippers as
his whole body sunk to the floor. He
grinned up at Lareina, his tiny white teeth showing as his whiskery cheeks
pulled back, “Aur, aur, aur, aur!”
Lareina’s
eyes glimmered with tears, “Oh, how
marvelous. What a wonderful gift--how could that scare me?” She patted the large gray seal on the head, and bent over placing a gentle kiss upon his nose.
First draft. C'mon peeps. Tell me where my errors lie : ) It's starting to feel a little less like summer and a little more like autumn, much to my daughter's delight. (I won't make chicken noodle soup till it's autumn time at least). And, I made some homemade caramel for apples as well. What a spoiled child : ) I hope your September is going well. Thanks for taking the time to swing by and read and comment.
First off, I'd say he's in trouble. I don't think I'd like turning into a seal, but now that it's done, I need to look for your errors, so here comes the evil editor. Did Murphy toss the pelt across his back or his son's back? I'm assuming it's the kid. Elongate is a great word, but since it is good, I'd only use it once in this passage. In my critiques, people have been real sticklers about staying in the same point of view. You started with Murphy but then it seems to move to the seal. In the second paragraph we're looking out of Lareina's eyes. Who is the main character who you want to focus on? I had such a hard time with head hopping that I started writing first person. I started a sixth novel in third person pov but got lost and abandoned it. Was I evil enough for you? Please come get your revenge with my work. The manuscript has seen quite a few rejections, so I recently rewrote the beginning and am looking for someone to find my errors too.
ReplyDeletehttp://joycelansky.blogspot.com/
Thanks Joyce. Love to see the things you caught. It helps greatly. This is rough Nano draft, I expect there to be mistakes aplenty when the words were written in a frantic race : )
DeleteWhat Joyce said.
DeleteOtherwise, nice 8!
Good, tight crit, Joyce gave. :-) First sentence fixer: drop the 'from his son". Unless in the larger context, it's still ambiguous, that should do it. Elongate--replace one with "lengthen".
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this: “Aur, aur, aur, aur!” Perfect!!
The POV... I think that the first paragraph can be read as in Rowan's or Lareina's POV. Technically, Murphy can't see ( thus describe to the reader) all of the changes occurring, right?
The second para can be read as in Rowan's or Murphy's POV, because Lareina can't see the tears "glimmering" in her eyes (thus describe them to the reader).
If this is written in Rowan's POV, you're good.
I like this story, Millie! :-)
Glad you do : ) I feel like I'm so close to having it finished. But, I am sort of stuck at the end. I need to close myself off from the world for a few days, and I think I could knock it out, but with life and all its attending chores, I never feel like I get enough creative time. Thanks for all the writing advice, love that when I'm editing later, I can look back here to remind myself what bothered folks and what worked, so it can be fixed : )
DeleteI agree with Teresa's comment about the POV thing. Third person POV can be difficult sometimes. I did like the 'aur, aur, aur, aur!' Very realistic and authentic. I loved the pace and the sweet moment at the end.
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks. I'll keep an eye on my POV for sure : )
DeleteShe seems to take that transformation remarkably well. I'd be suspicious...
ReplyDeleteThey do live in a world of magic and magical creatures. She herself is a practitioner of the Light Arts.
Deletehow cute, my first thought went to this:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOfZJZLcTh0
:-) Disney aside, your description of the morphing is really great!
Well thank you, I couldn't follow the youtube link though, so not sure what you're referring to : )
DeleteOK, selkies are fascinating creatures (and I'm no editor LOL) so I enjoyed the snippet! Great 8!
ReplyDeleteWell thank you Veronica. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!
DeleteI basked in the reading, enjoyment of your writing and delighted in the end. Yum. But I don't think I'll ever try on a fur coat again.
ReplyDeleteAt least not a fur seal coat : )
DeleteI don't know about her, but I was still a bit scared.!! It turned into a seal for pete's sake!
ReplyDeleteHe and his son are Selkies...that's their magical ability. Pretty cool if you ask me : )
DeleteAha! I was worried that Rowan had hunted the seals and brought back the pelts. Now it looks like father and son were the two seals that rescued the ladies. Whew! :)
ReplyDeleteHe he he. Selkie men : )
DeleteHi there, I always get excited for Weekend Writing Warriors day also. Beautifully written snippet. I really enjoyed how you described the fur, the whiskers, along with everything else. Great work!
ReplyDeleteThank you Neva. Growing up in a small coastal town, with lots of seals and sea lions, they are near and dear to my heart : )
DeleteFirst can you ship me some homemade caramel apples??? Man I love those and candied apples.
ReplyDeleteOk on to the 8...wow. I've never heard of shape shifting seals (boy is that a mouthful LOL) Lovely that both women seem to take it all in stride and not be remotely freaked out.
Very fun :) Can't wait til next week.
Selkies are a celtic shape shifter and have been around for years : ) They have an *ahem* seductive quality to them as well. They are a fun and unique bit of folklore. The ladies do live in a world of magic, so they aren't too freaked : ) The caramel is so darn good. Much better than buying a bag of caramels and melting them. Just takes a few ingredients and patience : )
DeleteI'd probably get really freaked out if someone shape-shifted into anything, but I think it's really cute and unexpected how he turned into a seal. That's not exactly an animal one expects to result from shape-shifting.
ReplyDeleteSelkies are a long-time celtic shapeshifting magical "creature". They are lesser known than werewolves, etc. Glad you enjoyed Carrie-Anne.
DeleteWell, everyone has pointed out the stuff I noticed (pov), so I'm just going to say I think it's awesome that he can turn into a seal! Though, I'm not sure what good that can be. They don't do much, do they? :p
ReplyDeleteSelkies do have a seductive ability in their human form. They sort of bewitch folks. And, we'll see what use their seal selves might be later in the book : )
DeleteI thought this was cute :3 Murphy is only pretending to be a seal, right? I was a bit confused. . . Or is he really turning into a seal? It changes the way I read this. I feel like I can't really give any concrit because I'm not 100% sure what's going on. If he is really turning into a seal, I'm confused why the people around him aren't freaked out. This is fantasy though, so maybe this is a frequent occurrence?
ReplyDeleteHe is turning into a seal, he's a Selkie. Definitely fantasy. Lareina and Ravyn are practitioners of the Light Arts, so they are fully comfortable with magic. Amongst their friends are elves, talking wolves, a dragon, a harpy, unicorns...
DeleteI like selkies.
ReplyDeleteMe too. Glad to see you, hope you're doing well!
DeleteMillie, I love your introductions. You always have so much fun with them. And I loved the snippet. You did a great job describing the morphing process. Great 8.
ReplyDeleteWell thanks Tina. I love doing a fun intro, that's true. Sometimes though, Saturday night comes...and I got nothing. Just crickets. Hope you are having a delightful day!
DeleteWow, that was certainly a surprise - I never expected a shape-shifting seal. Adorable 8.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chelle. It's a land filled with magic. You never know what kind of critter might pop up : )
DeleteAwwwww! Adorable selkie-man is adorable! :D
ReplyDeleteI love the description of the shift, Millie---so well done!
Why thank you : )
Delete