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Last week, we left off wondering what His Nibs was having a talking to...is there really a skeery demon in the bushes or is he seeing "pink elephants"? Let's find out, shall we?
Ravyn
looked past His Nibs, over her mother’s shoulder. A chill feeling swept over her as two glowing
red eyes peered at her from the bushes.
Ravyn
slipped the gold coin from her pocket.
She stepped around His Nibs and held the coin out in front of her. "I have a gift for you as promised."
Feelings
of fear and dread washed over her as a black scaly hand reached for the coin in
her palm. The Mara grabbed her wrist and
yanked her toward the bushes.
Visions flashed in
Ravyn’s head, Blade’s body lying across the castle battlements his back shot
full of arrows as if he were a pincushion. So, I wrote this during a Nano and it's not been edited. You are seeing flash writing product here. I'm thinking as I read this the as if he were a pincushion is not necessary. What are your thoughts...helpful or more words than necessary?
Actually the "pincushion " part kind of describes his back's condition. As long as that part is not going to be in your way further down in the story, it is all right right there.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I appreciate your input!
DeleteUh-oh. Visions are never good. Nicely done, Millie!
ReplyDeleteA Mara is a "nightmare". A demon that sits on your chest and paralyzes you with fear. It's just starting to unload a whoopass of nightmares into Ravyn.
DeleteYep - skeery!
ReplyDeleteVery visual! And I think the pincushions helped form the image I got. I'd leave it in, Millie. :-)
ReplyDeleteGood to know : )
DeleteI agree re: pincushions. I'd leave out feelings of fear and dread washing over. Scary is scary w/o washing over. Get right to black scaly hand. You've got good stuff going on, Millie.
ReplyDeleteThanks Charmaine, I'll be revisiting everyone's comments as I seriously get to edit mode!
DeleteIt skeered - er, scared me! I like the excerpt as is, but possibly change "visions" to singular since you only mention one thing she saw. I love your style in these bits, Millie. It feels completely natural.
ReplyDeleteAh thanks. I ran out of sentences...there are more visions to come...
DeleteFrom what I can see, I don't see any errors. It was a terrific scene and the Mara pulling her into the bushes was so sudden. It nearly made me jump out of my seat. If you read it over, I'm sure you'll spot any mistakes. Considering this was a Nano story, it's good!
ReplyDeleteThanks Frank! It'll get revamped a bit as I edit. There's always room for improvement : )
DeleteI wasn't expecting the grab either! Yikes! Vote for leave the pincushion in. That clarified the visual as a crapload not one or two. Great scary snippet!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth - Murders of Polly Frisch.
Okie dokie. I'm glad it's not too over the top!
DeleteLove the black scaly hand reaching out from the bushes. I sure didn't expect the Mara to grab Ravyn's hand! This is a well-written scene that would make me keep reading to find out if the vision really happened or if it was a preview of what could happen in the future.
ReplyDeleteExcellent. I want to keep folks guessing. The Mara is flooding her with visions that will fill her with dread...that's its magical nature.
DeleteInteresting. I jumped when the scaly hand grabbed her, so well done on that! I as curious if His Nibs was seeing things or really seeing a thing LOL, enjoyed the excerpt!
ReplyDeleteIt did sort of give that impression earlier that he might've been having some drunken visions of his own : )
DeleteBeautiful fast transition from humor to horror. I'm glad His Nibs is there.
ReplyDelete: ) Thank you.
DeleteAnother fun snippet. Pincushion takes await from the horror of the vision, so it depends on your intention.
ReplyDeleteI don't actually want it to be too freaky, I'd like younger readers to enjoy and not have nightmares...
DeleteThis is subtle but scary. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I appreciate your opinion : )
DeleteGift--not accepted? *suspenseful music*
ReplyDeleteI agree! Leave the pincushion in.
Depending on how the 'running out of sentences' affected the words, you might consider different punctuation or a transition word between "Visions flashed..." and the vision description, though.
I will take a close look at it when I get to actual edits. Thanks for leaving the comment so I can refer to it : )
DeleteI'd leave it in. I think it's very visual.
ReplyDeleteOkie dokie, leaving it in seems to be majority consensus!
DeleteWow---this is an effective passage! I actually jumped a bit!
ReplyDeleteReally? That's awesome!
DeleteI enjoyed this snippet, very visual!
ReplyDeleteI'm thoroughly intrigued and was definitely startled when the unexpected happened.
ReplyDelete*Shiver* I wasn't expecting that! And I'd keep the pincushion, it helped me visualize the scene. Looking forward to more! I hope nothing terribly bad happens :S
ReplyDeleteWe shall see...writer's are notorious for doing that kind of thing...making bad things happen : )
DeleteThat's a scary vision! Very descriptive. What's gonna happen next? Need another snippet! :)
ReplyDeleteIn a couple days : )
Delete